My Body

The longest relationship I've ever had is the one with myself and some days it's harder to deal with than some of my external relationships!  I could probably go on and on about my internal struggles with myself, but the one that keeps popping to the surface is the body image thing.  I wish I could say that I was above all the body image hoopla, but honestly I've been dealing with it since I was younger. I'm sure it comes without saying that we live in a society that is saturated with intense pressure to look a certain way.

It all began when I was younger, like elementary school age. My mother used to call me chicken legs because I had such skinny legs. It didn't bother me until junior high when I started comparing myself to my friends and other girls in my classes. My best friend at the time had thick legs and I thought she had the best legs in the world. Of course she thought her legs were too big. You know how usually friends want what the other has, that wasn't the case for me. Even she agreed that my legs were skinny. And the worst part about it was that I wasn't allowed to wear pants, so my skinny legs were on view all the time!

My second hang up was about my arms. For some reason, I've always had these defined arms that look like I work out, even when I was in junior high. And I can assure you, I was not working out. Sure everyone raves about Michelle Obama's arms now, but back then, girls were not admired for having strong looking arms. I remember being teased about my arms in technology class and I felt so low. I did all I could to hide my arms; I never wore sleeveless shirts until college and I always made sure my shirt sleeves weren't too tight. The quick fix cure for that was to date a man who has way bigger muscles than I. Lol. Unfortunately I still have a few hang-ups about my arms, but I am more comfortable with that part of my body.

Nowadays I find myself in some crazy quest to meet a certain number on my bathroom scale in order to wear a bikini. Of course I will not reveal what the number is, but it just shows how obsessed I still am with the way I look. I've been going to the gym more lately and it feels good to be able to run a mile or run a few wind sprints. It makes me feel powerful and happy that my body can do such things. I also like looking in the mirror and seeing subtle difference in the way my clothes fit. Plus, working out makes me feel a lot less guilty about succumbing to the occasional junk food cravings (ok more than occasional).

But sometimes I find myself thinking about fitting into a certain bikini or that certain number on the scale and all of the exercise suddenly seem  like a form of punishment. I have also tried to do things like not eating after eight or not eating certain foods, but I just can't do it. I love food way too much to restrict myself.

There is nothing wrong with caring about the way you look. Someone once told me that your external features is the first thing people see. It's not always fair, but we do live in a world where we are judged by outward appearance. And personally when I take care of myself by taking a few extra 20 minutes to do my hair or pick a nicer outfit, I feel more confident about myself.  I don't think that I will ever find a cure to this body image thing, but I do know that the times I've looked  and felt my best are when I am wearing something that I feel completely comfortable in. (Of course stilettos also help).  So I will continue to flaunt my best body parts, which so happen to sometimes include the parts I used to hate. Go  figure.  And as for that bikini, the jury's still out on that.

A bienot!