Conchita: Words from the Heart

Single vs. Married

Conchita — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 10:09:54 GMT

As I get ready to become Mrs. F, I realize that more things are going to change than just my last name. How will marriage affect my current relationships with my friends? Will marriage change how much I see them? How I relate to them? Topics of conversation?

I've seen how other women have changed or reacted to marriage, whether for good or bad. My old best friend seemed to perform a complete 360 after she became a Mrs. All of a sudden, we couldn't relate to each other, she "forgot" what it felt like to be single. On the other end of the spectrum lies one of my oldest friends who remains exactly the way she was before husband and post two babies. What makes some women change and others stay the same? Is this what is supposed to happen after marriage?

Post college, my circle of girlfriends grew smaller but definitely more meaningful. But sadly once I became more serious with my boyfriend, I was less available for my friends. Before you judge me, hear me out. I have always been and always will be a homebody. I don't like crowds, parties, etc. I have periods of time when I like to go out but this is not all the time. When I was living with my friends, it was easy to arrange spontaneous outings. When I entered a relationship, I wasn't sitting at home by myself anymore.

Needless to say, I don't hang out with my girlfriends as much anymore for various reasons. But is it supposed to change after marriage?

I used to watch the show Girlfriends religiously and still catch every single rerun on WE, lol. The married one of the bunch, Mya, was always out with her girls at every bar and club. Some people don't agree that a married woman should be traipsing the streets with her single friends. I went to my best friend's birthday party at a club in November and it was super crowded. Literally, you were dancing with everybody in the club but I had a few aggressive guys dance with me. I didn't like it and I wished my fiance was there instead. I can't imagine being at a club every night, fighting off guys with my single friends. Are we doomed to hang out only at coffee bars now?

As my relationship with my fiance progressed, we started to hang out with other couples more. I love hanging out with other couples and it feels comfortable. I feel like we are on the same level and understand what it takes to be in a committed relationship.

Obviously, I love my friends and cherish them to death. Just because I am getting married does not mean that I can no longer relate to them or hang out with them. I have a small circle of close friends and they are predominatly single but I realize that with marriage will come boundaries and some changes.

I really would like to know from women who are married, how has your relationship with your friends changed or not?

For those who are still single, do you view your married friends differently?

Chere Haiti

Conchita — Thu, 14 Jan 2010 09:03:18 GMT

As you all already know, a hurricane that rates a 7.0 on the Richter scale has hit my country of Haiti. Until this morning, I refused to watch any news coverage because I couldn't stand to see negative propoganda about Haiti. When I did watching MSNBC this morning, I just found myself getting angrier and angrier.

Since Haiti declared its indepedence in 1804, my people have led a rocky existence. Our natural resources have been exploited by wealthier nations until we barely had enough to supplement the lives of those that still live there. We are continually stigmatized as the poorest nation in the world, while everyone forgets that we fought tooth and nail to be the first Black independent nation.

Don't be fooled into thinking that this earthquake is the first natural disaster to hit Haiti. Haiti has been tormented by hurricanes as well as other countries, but has been continually ignored.

Growing up, people tried to make me feel embarrassed to be Haitian. They said that HBO stood for Haitian Body odor. They said that AIDs came from Haitians. They said that my parents came to America on a boat. I refused to be ashamed of my rich heritage then, and I refuse to be ashamed now.

Now they say that Haiti made a pact with the devil to gain its independence. Are you trying to tell me that there is no way that a Black nation could have ever gained indepedence if not with help from the devil? Are you trying to say that our suffering is our fault? When does it end? When does it end?

I just got off the phone with my mother and she said my aunt and cousin who were missing; are safe at home. Thank God! But there are millions more who are desolate, desperately seeking help. One of my close friends has not heard from her mother and I have a thousand stories like that. Where is the compassion for these people? Now is not the time to tell people that we made a pact with the devil or that Haiti is the poorest nation.

All we need to hear is that help is on the way, that are not being ignored. I was so happy to hear President Obama say that Haiti would be a top priority because for too long; Haiti has been ignored and abused.

This has hit too close to home and I realize now with shame that I have been complacent for too long. This could have happened anywhere, to anyone. Please keep my family, other families, and the whole country in your throughts and prayers. This is not a political thing, this is human thing.

If you can donate money, that would be great. If you can donate your time, that would be amazing. Martin Luther King Day is coming up and you will have plenty of opportunities to make a real difference.

Up and Down

Conchita — Tue, 05 Jan 2010 21:34:40 GMT

My life has been a rollercoaster lately; so many questions hanging over my head. I officially finished my Masters degree coursework in early December and was supposed to get things in motion to get my temporay license so that I could finally work as an Occupational Therapist.

Here is some background information on me. I was originally enrolled in one occupational therapy program and I was dismissed because of not following their academic standards. I wish I could say that I was dismissed because I had failing grades but that was not the case. I had three B- and one C. Anyways I transferred to my new school and have been happy ever since. Due to that minor setback, I have been sort of superstitious about my academic success. I am the type of person that is always waiting for the other shoe to drop. After almost three years it finally did.

I called my advisor and wanted to make sure there weren't any surprises impeding my upcoming graduation. Turns out they never had a record of my transferred credits. So I went to the old school and filled out a transfer form. Easy right? Puh-leeze honey.

I received a phone call a day later stating that there was a financial hold on my account. They were charging me for classes that I supposedly took even though I was dismissed. So I had to call all these people to find out how the hell I could fix this in two weeks. Mind you, this was a week before Christmas and my diploma date was Jan 8th.

This is already getting too long. My advisor called me this morning and was like, you need to get those transcripts today otherwise...

F My life right? They finally get it sorted out and then my advisor calls me back and it turns out when I applied to my new school, my application had included my old transcript. My head is still spinning.

I'm still cautious about this but your girl has finished her coursework for her Masters of Occupational Therapy. Once I have the diploma in my hand, then we can celebrate. So for those who saw my facebook status today; this is the story behind it.

Oh and they fixed the financial hold. Good thing cuz I do not have $6,000 to shell out to anybody.

Smooches ladies!!

My Kind of Christmas

Conchita — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 14:49:20 GMT

Its Christmas Eve and I have had this gnawing knot in my stomach all day long. As time passes, it brings me closer and closer to going home to NY to spend Christmas with my parents and siblings. Some of you may remember from past posts, that I hate going home. My father knows how to push all the right buttons and make me feel like shit. Now that I am in the midst of wedding planning, I can only imagine what terrors he has planned for me.

But all I can do in the meantime is focus on the here and now. My fiance went to work for a halfday and now he is here with me. We plan to cook up a storm, stuff ourselves, and watch movies. Spending time with him calms me and I am so grateful for these precious moments. I hope to hold the good memories close to my heart and not let my heart harden with all of the bad.

I know I haven't been on PNN much this year but I have been keeping a close eye on many of you via facebook. Thank you all for the encouraging words that brought smiles to my face time after time. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, just have a good time. See you all in 2010!!

Babysitter Chronicles

Conchita — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 16:32:34 GMT

On my commute home from "work", I caught a glimpse of my seat mate's hands and they teleported me back in time...

Growing up, I was a latchkey kid but I did have my fair share of babysitters. Not sure if the high turnover rate was attributed to my dictator father or to the "bad ass" Charles kids. Whatever the reason, we went through babysitters like water.

The first babysitter we had was a relatively young girl, I believe around eighteen. She was sitting in the living room with my father and he was going over the usual rules with her. No guests over, have the kids in bed by nine, no television on a school night, blah blah blah.

Not five minutes after my father left to go to work, this heffa snuck her boyfriend in. The details are hazy but I remember him walking out of the bathroom in his boxers. My sister, brother, and I were on our stomachs on the floor in front of my parents' bedroom. He was on top of her so we had a clear view of his ass. I don't remember how old I was, but I sure as hell did not understand what I was seeing. But I knew enough not to bring it up to my parents. I had this feeling, even at such a young age, that it might be an awkward conversation.

The next series of babysitters were sisters and very religious. They prayed with us before we went to sleep and taught us how to sing hymns. But they soon left us because they decided that they wanted to go to college. Oh well.

The last babysitter we had, occurred when I was too old to actually need one but it worked out because it gave me freedom to attend afterschool progams without having to be home with my siblings. I was a big and bad middle schooler by this time.

She had a big part in helping to shape my young life. She helped me to count fluently in French through the use of games. She taught me to sing hymns that I still sing today. And she made us memorize verses that really came in handy during our tumultous lives. She also ridiculed my cello playing, yelled at us, ate flour out of the bag, and made me crack her fingers and touch her ashy cracked feet. Sigh.

When I was a sophmore in college, I received the call that she was dead and I didn't cry. I guess I was in shock because for as long as I can remember Seour Bertha had been a part of my life, whether for good or bad. At her funeral, my mother wanted us to give a speech and throw flowers on her grave. But my siblings and I sobbed through the entire funeral. It was like our own grandmother had passed away, in fact she was our adopted grandmother. It was the first time that someone connected to us had actually died.

Looking at that woman's hands on the bus next to me, reminded me of her hands. I hadn't thought of her in years.

RIP Seour Bertha. You are always in our hearts.

Where did All the Men Go?

Conchita — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:26:08 GMT

My fiance and I were talking about how many of my friends are single even though they are amazing, intelligent, interesting, and beautiful women.

He really could not fathom how none of them had any male prospects on their dating horizon.

"Its the city." I declared. "Philly is not the right place to meet men."

I'm sorry for all you Philly lovers but I'm just calling it like I see it. I live and breathe in Center City and it is hard for Black women to meet men who are on their level and...to simply put it...not crazy. I'm only speaking for Black women so...let me know what you think about other women, I'd be interested to know.

My fiance and I decided to start looking at all the men in our neighborhood to see if my friends were just being overly picky. We've been doing this for the past two days and we have found only..ahem...four guys that we thought were acceptable. How many people live in Philadelphia? Right.

Maybe we're being too picky, maybe not. But one thing we also did realize that in our circle of friends, in every couple that we know, one of the significant others were not from Philadelphia. These happily married or together couples had to look for love elsewhere. So, does this mean that I should suggest for my friends to start looking for love outside of Philly? I don't know, I'm not a relationship expert.

This just makes me appreciate my fiance even more. Dating is hard work.

Family Drama

Conchita — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 15:25:48 GMT

This is the second time I am writing this by the way. PNN is messing with my posts.

A few weeks ago, my sister called telling me that my mom was going to the doctor because she has been having headaches a lot. She had a shunt placed in her head two months after I was born and I suspected that this was causing her the headaches.

The next day, my sister called and informed me that my mother was in the ER waiting for tests to be done. I was in the middle of my rotation and I assumed that all would be well.

I called again and she was still there but the doctors were not revealing anything. As much as I wanted to rush home and be with my family, all I could think about was that I had two weeks left inmy rotation. I was reluctant to take days off and make them up, but family is family.

I waited another day and left Sat morning because they were supposed to release her Fri night. Sat came and she was still in the hospital. When my fiance and I arrived, I knew something was wrong neurologically. This person was not my mother at all. She was confused and kept repeating questions. She had no balance and had to be physically escorted to the bathroom. Her short term memory was gone and she could not look up without physically lifting her head.

To make matters worse, my father was being his usual difficult self. He was refusing to have them operate until they found her old records from 25 years ago. Mind you, records can be thrown out after 6 years legally. She had the first surgery done at the present hopital and the revisions done at another hospital, but none of the records were available.

He refused to listen to the doctors or anyone else. It was the worst feeling to watch your mother in the hospital bed while trying to reason with someone who was acting like an irate five year old.

Shit really hit the fan when dude tried to come at me for wearing jeans with a ripped knee. I wanted to yell and scream at him. The same day that my mom was waiting to find out if her husband would give her consent to have a surgery that she needed, he was worried about my fashion choices.

To make a long story short, he let her have the surgery and she is doing much better. She is home now and I came home after my rotations were over to help her out at home and show her my OT skill.s

But needless to say, I lost a lot of respect for my father. You can rip into my clothing choices or call me names but NEVER NEVER mess with my mother.

Shutting Down

Conchita — Fri, 17 Jul 2009 20:14:25 GMT

I deal with things differently. I never know how I'm going to react to a situation. Being in a relationship can be very difficult at times. Constantly having to compromise and getting into fights over the most mundane details of absurdity. Its exhausting sometimes.

I know that I'm a very moody person and can be passive aggressive at times. I try not to be but I can be childish that way.

We had a staff retreat today and as the OT intern, I was forced to tag along. I can't complain though, it was a lot of fun. I attempted rock climbing, the human gyro, paddle boating, and eating lots of yummy food mainly funnel cake.

Anyways I came home happy but tired. It was a long week and I made a little dinner for me and the honey. He came home also in a great mood and...

I can be very particular about where things go. In my head, certain things have their place and there is no flexibility. Unfortunately, my fiance is not as particular as I am, so you can imagine how this unfolds sometimes.

Long story short, I walked into the kitchen and his sneakers were sitting there. It annoys me everytime I see it and no matter how many times I say something about it, they find themselves there. Maybe the sneakers are haunting me. Maybe its my OC. I picked them up gingerly and threw them in the room, shooting daggers at him at the same time.

I went into full BITCH mode and ripped into him about other things. We got in a huge fight and I shut down.

I've done it before and I will do it again...I went to my room and proceeded to lie down for a long time. I wanted to be alone, I didn't want to talk, I didn't even want to be awake. My bed has always been my safe place.

Its interesting because my fiance was there the whole time with me, which was kind of comforting in a way. He knew I was shutting down but he let me come back on my own. He didn't force me to talk or anything and I appreciated that. Eventually I got up and rejoined the world.

Not really sure if this is healthy but I've done this in the past as my way to deal with my parents and other stressful situations.

When I work up this morning, I definitely didn't see this coming.

Oh Nostalgia

Conchita — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 14:34:51 GMT

Now that I'm a "career woman" now (giggles), I really miss some of the things that I used to do when all I had to do was attend classes.

For the record, I love Housewives of Wherever and I watch it religiously. It took me almost two weeks to watch the reunion show (currently watching now). I know thats not important to you but I'm so busy now, its disconcerting.

I miss the days when I could sleep in on the weekends and chillax.

I kinda sorta even miss school. Being an adult is exhausting.

I miss being able to stay up until 4am and still be somewhat productive the next day. I've stayed up the past two days to complete schoolwork and was yawning all day. Not a good look.

I really miss the days when I didn't have to plan for a wedding. BTW, I've done nothing in like a month, its really bad.

I miss wearing jeans to class. Don't get me wrong, I love dressing up for work especially since in my next placement, I will probably only be allowed to wear scrubs. Sometimes I just want to wear my jeans...

I'm really going to miss summer and winter break. I don't know how people do it. Everyone should get summer, spring, and winter break. Its just the right thing to do.

I'm going to miss my student status. The other day I went to UPS and because I had my student ID, it didn't matter that I didn't have ID to verify my new address. Yay!

I also miss the days when I could send a quick email or text my classmates to say that I wasn't coming to class. Apparantly its a really big deal to call out of work now! Sucks!

Hello adulthood!

What do you miss?

Loss

Conchita — Fri, 26 Jun 2009 18:17:04 GMT

Losing someone is something that we can't avoid no matter how hard we may try. It doesn't matter how far back in your mind you push the thought, the reality is; we will all die someday. Of course, its super hard on those who are left behind trying to hold it down while the memories of times past fill our minds and hearts.

I think about what I would do if I lost my fiance everyday and everyday I come to the conclusion that I simply could not bear it. Yes, I would live on but it would be so hard to be without someone who had been such a significant part of my life.

I know that two entertainment icons died and while I hope they may RIP, this post is not about them. I loved Michael Jackson's music and always will. But I never knew him personally and the news of his death did not hit me as hard as someone else's did.

Earlier this week, my cousin who got married last month delivered her first son at five months. He weighed one pound. He fought to the end but passed away. His funeral was yesterday and though I never knew him personally, my heart is heavy for my cousin and her husband.

It must be so difficult to know someone for such a short time and lose them so quickly. Its amazing how quickly your heart can be attached to someone and then they are gone.

This post is for my cousin and I hope that she finds healing, comfort, and peace during this time.

She's Losing Something...

Conchita — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 19:20:54 GMT

Everything feels different to me now. For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to "catch up" on my PNN reading. Unfortunately I missed out on a few that were most likely amazing. And I feel a different energy on PNN. I'm sad that DB is going through her trials and I don't feel as connected to everybody for some reason.

Hopefully its just this weird time in which I am transitioning from a student into a pseudo adult and all the demands that entails. I'm sure you ladies are just as fabulous and amazing as you always were.

I miss you guys even though you are all right here.

I don't think its a good thing that my rotation placement was in mental health. I'm taking on the characteristics of my patients. All I want to do is sleep all the time. I should convince Hipchick to come and work out with me. I need some motivation.

Something weird happened the other day...I was talking to my fiance but I was drifting in and out of sleep. In my half sleep mode, there was a group of people in my head. A woman in a red dress jumped off the bridge. I woke up, turned to my fiance and said, "The woman in my head killed herself."

Are you inching away from me? I don't blame you. Just wanted to let you guys know where my head was at right now.

PNN Ladies in the Flesh...

Conchita — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 01:24:03 GMT

So I've been super busy or something lately and haven't had the opportunity to post anything. I looked in my inbox and literally it said, I had two hundred and fifty emails and 98% were from PNN.

The last weekend of May, my fiance and I went to AC to celebrate the fact that I was leaving my role as a student and beginning my stage as an indentured servant for the next six months. I thought slavery was over, but apparantly they now call it, Fieldwork or rotations. Thats right, 40 hour work week and no pay. Did I mention I was not working?

Anyways, I got sick and dehydrated by the time we left lovely AC that Sunday. Monday morning I had to report for my first day of "work". I was sick as a dog, sneezing all over the place, a tissue permanently jammed up my nose. Great first impression, huh? Of course the woman refused to let me leave so I stayed for eight hours, barely alive.

The morning of Philly Phreak arrived and I was so freaking excited to go, except my body didn't get the memo. A couple hours before I was supposed to leave to meet the ladies, I felt really sick. So I called Motherofmany and told her to expect me later.

I wasn't really sure if I was going to come because I'm a big ass baby when I'm sick but this was a once in a lifetime experience. I had to meet my PNN ladies, hell or high water.

I wasn't nervous to meet the ladies because I felt like I knew them already. The only thing missing in my mind, was what they actually looked like. First off, I was greeted by bodies plastered on the huge window wall of the hotel bar. Yes, I saw Hipchick and Kimber's boobs before anything else. Then I got lost in the lobby because I had no idea where I was going so Motherofmany had to come find me.

First impressions: Motherofmany just exuded of some motherly quality so that hugging her felt as natural as if I had known her half my life. She was so cute and small, I didn't know she was that little. I saw Hipchick's shoes before I saw her and I knew right then who she was. She looks exactly like I pictured she would look from reading her posts. She has a girlie voice and it sounds weird with cuss words coming out of it. I pictured Comic with short hair and a short lady with a feisty personality. She's taller and has long hair. I had no idea who Kimber and Writing were. I wasn't sure...I was expecting to see Frida Kahlu so I was disoriented. I think Writing said this first, Kimber does not look like a corporate attorney at first glance but I'm sure she kicks ass. Writing is just like her posts, full of a crazy amount of information! Yo, I learned so much, its not even funny. The Banana was no brainer, I saw her Youtube video...That girl is out of control, just like her posts. It was a pleasure to connect with Leigh even if she was frozen for most of the conversation. Doesn't she kind of look like the boss from Devil Wears Prada? But soo much nicer obviously...

Memorable moments: Escorting Kimber to her car. Why the hell was there an empty car with all the doors open on the roof? Thats Philly for you...Hipchick's Asian lovah...or wannabe lovah...Kimber dancing the Electric Slide...That damn feather boa was shedding everywhere, even in my pants! Banana, you're not a lesbian, I'm sorry. Thank you for the teddy bear and the flowers Motherofmany! I'll think of you whenever I see them. Comic randomly taking pictures of people when they were not ready... Where are those pictures by the way? Writing's crazy stories about her family and who knew such a lil thang was so tough , you go girl...our watiress Candy...she was too fun...

I had an amazing time and I am so glad I dragged my sick self across town. I hope none of you come down with anything and if you do, think of it as a reminder of me in a sick freaky way. I hope to see those who live closer to me a little more often. You guys are my friends even though I can't remember your real names.

I feel better now except for this cough...

Weekend Home Recap

Conchita — Tue, 26 May 2009 01:56:24 GMT

So I'm safe and sound in Philly, I survived my weekend home.

The highlight of my whole trip was when I visited my cousin's ex wife. I haven't seen her in some time and it was so good to sit and chillax with her. Its funny how different things look when you are older, because we never got along that well when I was living at home. Half of the time, I didn't even think she liked me. Come to find out she is proud of me. Wow.

I saw a lot of people that I haven't seen in such a long time and it really felt like a homecoming. I didn't realize there were so many people who were so proud of me and rooting for me (at least until I fall). It makes me nervous because when people place you on a pedestal, you can obviously fall. These people still see me as the little girl who lived at home and aimed to please everybody. I still have her inside of me but I'm trying to get her the hell out. I can't live for others, its my life. Easier said than done.

But it feels so good to be back home to own place, my fiance, and my girls on PNN.

My Safe Haven

Conchita — Fri, 22 May 2009 17:32:31 GMT

When I vist my parents, my room is my safe haven. I typically hide out until my father goes to work. Its my defense mechanism for keeping the peace. That's where I am right now, typing away. I also plan to stay out of the house as much as possible which is tricky because they only have one car now. Hence, I have to take a car ride with both of my parents to drop them off at their respective jobs. I really don't want to. I'd rather not except since I'm the Prodigal Daughter I have a lot of people to visit with or else its off with my head.

My fiance has also been my safe haven which is probably why its so hard to come home without him. When he's here, he's my protector. No one can touch me except for that one time when he fell asleep and I was verbally attacked about the wedding. So thats my anxiety level. We're a strange bunch, its easier to stay away. I'm literally counting down the minutes until my dad goes to work so that I can relax outside of my room. I notice my brother and sister do the same thing.

Weirdos.

Reunited?

Conchita — Fri, 22 May 2009 17:24:51 GMT

So I traveled to NY yesterday to visit the family for a few days. Its the first time I've been home without my fiance in tow and I miss him terribly. I hate traveling and Greyhound was positively horrid yesterday. The workers are so ghetto and the bus patrons were so freaking annoying. I just needed one match to burn the whole place down.

I got to my parents' house and my ex-best friend called and wanted to hang out. Apparantly she had run into my mother earlier and was told that the Prodigal daughter was coming to town. I agreed to hang out somewhat apprehensively. See my previous post on An Old Friend Come Back Again

(Did you see that? I did my first link, thanks Ris!)

Anyways, she came to pick me up and we went to Fridays at the mall because she really wanted to get a drink. We kinda fell back into our old routine more or less. I was more on the cautious end because I was feeling her out and wondering when she was going to break into the "why did we stop being friends" conversation. It never did come up but the pink elephant weighed heavily on my mind throughout the day. We talked about everything; my fiance and upcoming wedding, her marriage and two kids, etc, etc.

She is different though, at least I think so. She used to be so much more fashionable in our heyday. She didn't seem as much yesterday but then again she did just have a baby. (She looked great by the way for someone who just gave birth).

We were in Burlington Coat factory and she did something that surprised and annoyed the hell out of me. The mall closes around nine thirty and we walked into Burlington around 9:25 because she wanted to see the shoes (they have really really cute shoes). In the middle of our persual, they announced that the store was closed. This one was still trying on shoes and then she asked the sales associate how much it was because it was missing a price tag. I don't know...I used to work at Macys and I hated it when customers walked in super late and then wanted to be waited on. We're closed, dammit! That really annoyed me and struck me as selfish...But whatever.

The whole day was cool, I felt comfortable around her. I could not shake the feeling that I wanted to ask her to be in my wedding party. Not really because I want her to but because I still feel guility that I was maid of honor at hers. But I'm not gonna do that. We need to move slowly and not rush into things. Yesterday was fun, lets see what happens tomorrow. She wants me to come to the wake with her. I hate wakes.

I'm sorry if this sounded random, I can't think properly in my parents' house.