Conchita: Words from the Heart

Babysitter Chronicles

Conchita — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 23:32:34 GMT

On my commute home from "work", I caught a glimpse of my seat mate's hands and they teleported me back in time...

Growing up, I was a latchkey kid but I did have my fair share of babysitters. Not sure if the high turnover rate was attributed to my dictator father or to the "bad ass" Charles kids. Whatever the reason, we went through babysitters like water.

The first babysitter we had was a relatively young girl, I believe around eighteen. She was sitting in the living room with my father and he was going over the usual rules with her. No guests over, have the kids in bed by nine, no television on a school night, blah blah blah.

Not five minutes after my father left to go to work, this heffa snuck her boyfriend in. The details are hazy but I remember him walking out of the bathroom in his boxers. My sister, brother, and I were on our stomachs on the floor in front of my parents' bedroom. He was on top of her so we had a clear view of his ass. I don't remember how old I was, but I sure as hell did not understand what I was seeing. But I knew enough not to bring it up to my parents. I had this feeling, even at such a young age, that it might be an awkward conversation.

The next series of babysitters were sisters and very religious. They prayed with us before we went to sleep and taught us how to sing hymns. But they soon left us because they decided that they wanted to go to college. Oh well.

The last babysitter we had, occurred when I was too old to actually need one but it worked out because it gave me freedom to attend afterschool progams without having to be home with my siblings. I was a big and bad middle schooler by this time.

She had a big part in helping to shape my young life. She helped me to count fluently in French through the use of games. She taught me to sing hymns that I still sing today. And she made us memorize verses that really came in handy during our tumultous lives. She also ridiculed my cello playing, yelled at us, ate flour out of the bag, and made me crack her fingers and touch her ashy cracked feet. Sigh.

When I was a sophmore in college, I received the call that she was dead and I didn't cry. I guess I was in shock because for as long as I can remember Seour Bertha had been a part of my life, whether for good or bad. At her funeral, my mother wanted us to give a speech and throw flowers on her grave. But my siblings and I sobbed through the entire funeral. It was like our own grandmother had passed away, in fact she was our adopted grandmother. It was the first time that someone connected to us had actually died.

Looking at that woman's hands on the bus next to me, reminded me of her hands. I hadn't thought of her in years.

RIP Seour Bertha. You are always in our hearts.

Where did All the Men Go?

Conchita — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 01:26:08 GMT

My fiance and I were talking about how many of my friends are single even though they are amazing, intelligent, interesting, and beautiful women.

He really could not fathom how none of them had any male prospects on their dating horizon.

"Its the city." I declared. "Philly is not the right place to meet men."

I'm sorry for all you Philly lovers but I'm just calling it like I see it. I live and breathe in Center City and it is hard for Black women to meet men who are on their level and...to simply put it...not crazy. I'm only speaking for Black women so...let me know what you think about other women, I'd be interested to know.

My fiance and I decided to start looking at all the men in our neighborhood to see if my friends were just being overly picky. We've been doing this for the past two days and we have found only..ahem...four guys that we thought were acceptable. How many people live in Philadelphia? Right.

Maybe we're being too picky, maybe not. But one thing we also did realize that in our circle of friends, in every couple that we know, one of the significant others were not from Philadelphia. These happily married or together couples had to look for love elsewhere. So, does this mean that I should suggest for my friends to start looking for love outside of Philly? I don't know, I'm not a relationship expert.

This just makes me appreciate my fiance even more. Dating is hard work.

Family Drama

Conchita — Wed, 26 Aug 2009 22:25:48 GMT

This is the second time I am writing this by the way. PNN is messing with my posts.

A few weeks ago, my sister called telling me that my mom was going to the doctor because she has been having headaches a lot. She had a shunt placed in her head two months after I was born and I suspected that this was causing her the headaches.

The next day, my sister called and informed me that my mother was in the ER waiting for tests to be done. I was in the middle of my rotation and I assumed that all would be well.

I called again and she was still there but the doctors were not revealing anything. As much as I wanted to rush home and be with my family, all I could think about was that I had two weeks left inmy rotation. I was reluctant to take days off and make them up, but family is family.

I waited another day and left Sat morning because they were supposed to release her Fri night. Sat came and she was still in the hospital. When my fiance and I arrived, I knew something was wrong neurologically. This person was not my mother at all. She was confused and kept repeating questions. She had no balance and had to be physically escorted to the bathroom. Her short term memory was gone and she could not look up without physically lifting her head.

To make matters worse, my father was being his usual difficult self. He was refusing to have them operate until they found her old records from 25 years ago. Mind you, records can be thrown out after 6 years legally. She had the first surgery done at the present hopital and the revisions done at another hospital, but none of the records were available.

He refused to listen to the doctors or anyone else. It was the worst feeling to watch your mother in the hospital bed while trying to reason with someone who was acting like an irate five year old.

Shit really hit the fan when dude tried to come at me for wearing jeans with a ripped knee. I wanted to yell and scream at him. The same day that my mom was waiting to find out if her husband would give her consent to have a surgery that she needed, he was worried about my fashion choices.

To make a long story short, he let her have the surgery and she is doing much better. She is home now and I came home after my rotations were over to help her out at home and show her my OT skill.s

But needless to say, I lost a lot of respect for my father. You can rip into my clothing choices or call me names but NEVER NEVER mess with my mother.

Shutting Down

Conchita — Sat, 18 Jul 2009 03:14:25 GMT

I deal with things differently. I never know how I'm going to react to a situation. Being in a relationship can be very difficult at times. Constantly having to compromise and getting into fights over the most mundane details of absurdity. Its exhausting sometimes.

I know that I'm a very moody person and can be passive aggressive at times. I try not to be but I can be childish that way.

We had a staff retreat today and as the OT intern, I was forced to tag along. I can't complain though, it was a lot of fun. I attempted rock climbing, the human gyro, paddle boating, and eating lots of yummy food mainly funnel cake.

Anyways I came home happy but tired. It was a long week and I made a little dinner for me and the honey. He came home also in a great mood and...

I can be very particular about where things go. In my head, certain things have their place and there is no flexibility. Unfortunately, my fiance is not as particular as I am, so you can imagine how this unfolds sometimes.

Long story short, I walked into the kitchen and his sneakers were sitting there. It annoys me everytime I see it and no matter how many times I say something about it, they find themselves there. Maybe the sneakers are haunting me. Maybe its my OC. I picked them up gingerly and threw them in the room, shooting daggers at him at the same time.

I went into full BITCH mode and ripped into him about other things. We got in a huge fight and I shut down.

I've done it before and I will do it again...I went to my room and proceeded to lie down for a long time. I wanted to be alone, I didn't want to talk, I didn't even want to be awake. My bed has always been my safe place.

Its interesting because my fiance was there the whole time with me, which was kind of comforting in a way. He knew I was shutting down but he let me come back on my own. He didn't force me to talk or anything and I appreciated that. Eventually I got up and rejoined the world.

Not really sure if this is healthy but I've done this in the past as my way to deal with my parents and other stressful situations.

When I work up this morning, I definitely didn't see this coming.

Oh Nostalgia

Conchita — Thu, 02 Jul 2009 21:34:51 GMT

Now that I'm a "career woman" now (giggles), I really miss some of the things that I used to do when all I had to do was attend classes.

For the record, I love Housewives of Wherever and I watch it religiously. It took me almost two weeks to watch the reunion show (currently watching now). I know thats not important to you but I'm so busy now, its disconcerting.

I miss the days when I could sleep in on the weekends and chillax.

I kinda sorta even miss school. Being an adult is exhausting.

I miss being able to stay up until 4am and still be somewhat productive the next day. I've stayed up the past two days to complete schoolwork and was yawning all day. Not a good look.

I really miss the days when I didn't have to plan for a wedding. BTW, I've done nothing in like a month, its really bad.

I miss wearing jeans to class. Don't get me wrong, I love dressing up for work especially since in my next placement, I will probably only be allowed to wear scrubs. Sometimes I just want to wear my jeans...

I'm really going to miss summer and winter break. I don't know how people do it. Everyone should get summer, spring, and winter break. Its just the right thing to do.

I'm going to miss my student status. The other day I went to UPS and because I had my student ID, it didn't matter that I didn't have ID to verify my new address. Yay!

I also miss the days when I could send a quick email or text my classmates to say that I wasn't coming to class. Apparantly its a really big deal to call out of work now! Sucks!

Hello adulthood!

What do you miss?

Loss

Conchita — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 01:17:04 GMT

Losing someone is something that we can't avoid no matter how hard we may try. It doesn't matter how far back in your mind you push the thought, the reality is; we will all die someday. Of course, its super hard on those who are left behind trying to hold it down while the memories of times past fill our minds and hearts.

I think about what I would do if I lost my fiance everyday and everyday I come to the conclusion that I simply could not bear it. Yes, I would live on but it would be so hard to be without someone who had been such a significant part of my life.

I know that two entertainment icons died and while I hope they may RIP, this post is not about them. I loved Michael Jackson's music and always will. But I never knew him personally and the news of his death did not hit me as hard as someone else's did.

Earlier this week, my cousin who got married last month delivered her first son at five months. He weighed one pound. He fought to the end but passed away. His funeral was yesterday and though I never knew him personally, my heart is heavy for my cousin and her husband.

It must be so difficult to know someone for such a short time and lose them so quickly. Its amazing how quickly your heart can be attached to someone and then they are gone.

This post is for my cousin and I hope that she finds healing, comfort, and peace during this time.

She's Losing Something...

Conchita — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 02:20:54 GMT

Everything feels different to me now. For the past couple of weeks I have been trying to "catch up" on my PNN reading. Unfortunately I missed out on a few that were most likely amazing. And I feel a different energy on PNN. I'm sad that DB is going through her trials and I don't feel as connected to everybody for some reason.

Hopefully its just this weird time in which I am transitioning from a student into a pseudo adult and all the demands that entails. I'm sure you ladies are just as fabulous and amazing as you always were.

I miss you guys even though you are all right here.

I don't think its a good thing that my rotation placement was in mental health. I'm taking on the characteristics of my patients. All I want to do is sleep all the time. I should convince Hipchick to come and work out with me. I need some motivation.

Something weird happened the other day...I was talking to my fiance but I was drifting in and out of sleep. In my half sleep mode, there was a group of people in my head. A woman in a red dress jumped off the bridge. I woke up, turned to my fiance and said, "The woman in my head killed herself."

Are you inching away from me? I don't blame you. Just wanted to let you guys know where my head was at right now.

PNN Ladies in the Flesh...

Conchita — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 08:24:03 GMT

So I've been super busy or something lately and haven't had the opportunity to post anything. I looked in my inbox and literally it said, I had two hundred and fifty emails and 98% were from PNN.

The last weekend of May, my fiance and I went to AC to celebrate the fact that I was leaving my role as a student and beginning my stage as an indentured servant for the next six months. I thought slavery was over, but apparantly they now call it, Fieldwork or rotations. Thats right, 40 hour work week and no pay. Did I mention I was not working?

Anyways, I got sick and dehydrated by the time we left lovely AC that Sunday. Monday morning I had to report for my first day of "work". I was sick as a dog, sneezing all over the place, a tissue permanently jammed up my nose. Great first impression, huh? Of course the woman refused to let me leave so I stayed for eight hours, barely alive.

The morning of Philly Phreak arrived and I was so freaking excited to go, except my body didn't get the memo. A couple hours before I was supposed to leave to meet the ladies, I felt really sick. So I called Motherofmany and told her to expect me later.

I wasn't really sure if I was going to come because I'm a big ass baby when I'm sick but this was a once in a lifetime experience. I had to meet my PNN ladies, hell or high water.

I wasn't nervous to meet the ladies because I felt like I knew them already. The only thing missing in my mind, was what they actually looked like. First off, I was greeted by bodies plastered on the huge window wall of the hotel bar. Yes, I saw Hipchick and Kimber's boobs before anything else. Then I got lost in the lobby because I had no idea where I was going so Motherofmany had to come find me.

First impressions: Motherofmany just exuded of some motherly quality so that hugging her felt as natural as if I had known her half my life. She was so cute and small, I didn't know she was that little. I saw Hipchick's shoes before I saw her and I knew right then who she was. She looks exactly like I pictured she would look from reading her posts. She has a girlie voice and it sounds weird with cuss words coming out of it. I pictured Comic with short hair and a short lady with a feisty personality. She's taller and has long hair. I had no idea who Kimber and Writing were. I wasn't sure...I was expecting to see Frida Kahlu so I was disoriented. I think Writing said this first, Kimber does not look like a corporate attorney at first glance but I'm sure she kicks ass. Writing is just like her posts, full of a crazy amount of information! Yo, I learned so much, its not even funny. The Banana was no brainer, I saw her Youtube video...That girl is out of control, just like her posts. It was a pleasure to connect with Leigh even if she was frozen for most of the conversation. Doesn't she kind of look like the boss from Devil Wears Prada? But soo much nicer obviously...

Memorable moments: Escorting Kimber to her car. Why the hell was there an empty car with all the doors open on the roof? Thats Philly for you...Hipchick's Asian lovah...or wannabe lovah...Kimber dancing the Electric Slide...That damn feather boa was shedding everywhere, even in my pants! Banana, you're not a lesbian, I'm sorry. Thank you for the teddy bear and the flowers Motherofmany! I'll think of you whenever I see them. Comic randomly taking pictures of people when they were not ready... Where are those pictures by the way? Writing's crazy stories about her family and who knew such a lil thang was so tough , you go girl...our watiress Candy...she was too fun...

I had an amazing time and I am so glad I dragged my sick self across town. I hope none of you come down with anything and if you do, think of it as a reminder of me in a sick freaky way. I hope to see those who live closer to me a little more often. You guys are my friends even though I can't remember your real names.

I feel better now except for this cough...

Weekend Home Recap

Conchita — Tue, 26 May 2009 08:56:24 GMT

So I'm safe and sound in Philly, I survived my weekend home.

The highlight of my whole trip was when I visited my cousin's ex wife. I haven't seen her in some time and it was so good to sit and chillax with her. Its funny how different things look when you are older, because we never got along that well when I was living at home. Half of the time, I didn't even think she liked me. Come to find out she is proud of me. Wow.

I saw a lot of people that I haven't seen in such a long time and it really felt like a homecoming. I didn't realize there were so many people who were so proud of me and rooting for me (at least until I fall). It makes me nervous because when people place you on a pedestal, you can obviously fall. These people still see me as the little girl who lived at home and aimed to please everybody. I still have her inside of me but I'm trying to get her the hell out. I can't live for others, its my life. Easier said than done.

But it feels so good to be back home to own place, my fiance, and my girls on PNN.

My Safe Haven

Conchita — Sat, 23 May 2009 00:32:31 GMT

When I vist my parents, my room is my safe haven. I typically hide out until my father goes to work. Its my defense mechanism for keeping the peace. That's where I am right now, typing away. I also plan to stay out of the house as much as possible which is tricky because they only have one car now. Hence, I have to take a car ride with both of my parents to drop them off at their respective jobs. I really don't want to. I'd rather not except since I'm the Prodigal Daughter I have a lot of people to visit with or else its off with my head.

My fiance has also been my safe haven which is probably why its so hard to come home without him. When he's here, he's my protector. No one can touch me except for that one time when he fell asleep and I was verbally attacked about the wedding. So thats my anxiety level. We're a strange bunch, its easier to stay away. I'm literally counting down the minutes until my dad goes to work so that I can relax outside of my room. I notice my brother and sister do the same thing.

Weirdos.

Reunited?

Conchita — Sat, 23 May 2009 00:24:51 GMT

So I traveled to NY yesterday to visit the family for a few days. Its the first time I've been home without my fiance in tow and I miss him terribly. I hate traveling and Greyhound was positively horrid yesterday. The workers are so ghetto and the bus patrons were so freaking annoying. I just needed one match to burn the whole place down.

I got to my parents' house and my ex-best friend called and wanted to hang out. Apparantly she had run into my mother earlier and was told that the Prodigal daughter was coming to town. I agreed to hang out somewhat apprehensively. See my previous post on An Old Friend Come Back Again

(Did you see that? I did my first link, thanks Ris!)

Anyways, she came to pick me up and we went to Fridays at the mall because she really wanted to get a drink. We kinda fell back into our old routine more or less. I was more on the cautious end because I was feeling her out and wondering when she was going to break into the "why did we stop being friends" conversation. It never did come up but the pink elephant weighed heavily on my mind throughout the day. We talked about everything; my fiance and upcoming wedding, her marriage and two kids, etc, etc.

She is different though, at least I think so. She used to be so much more fashionable in our heyday. She didn't seem as much yesterday but then again she did just have a baby. (She looked great by the way for someone who just gave birth).

We were in Burlington Coat factory and she did something that surprised and annoyed the hell out of me. The mall closes around nine thirty and we walked into Burlington around 9:25 because she wanted to see the shoes (they have really really cute shoes). In the middle of our persual, they announced that the store was closed. This one was still trying on shoes and then she asked the sales associate how much it was because it was missing a price tag. I don't know...I used to work at Macys and I hated it when customers walked in super late and then wanted to be waited on. We're closed, dammit! That really annoyed me and struck me as selfish...But whatever.

The whole day was cool, I felt comfortable around her. I could not shake the feeling that I wanted to ask her to be in my wedding party. Not really because I want her to but because I still feel guility that I was maid of honor at hers. But I'm not gonna do that. We need to move slowly and not rush into things. Yesterday was fun, lets see what happens tomorrow. She wants me to come to the wake with her. I hate wakes.

I'm sorry if this sounded random, I can't think properly in my parents' house.

When I Grow Up

Conchita — Mon, 18 May 2009 00:18:41 GMT

I'm pretty sure I'm twenty five. Yep, my birth certificate says that I am. Somedays I don't feel like it. I feel like a grown ass woman with my fiance and friends. But when I'm around my parents, I feel like a little kid again. All of a sudden I can't make my own decisions and whatnot. They always want to know what I'm doing, where I'm going, etc, etc.

Isn't the whole point of growing up to allow yourself to make your own decisions regardless if they are good or not? We live and learn from our experiences, correct? And just because what I choose to do may be drastically different from what you did, doesn't mean its wrong. It may be right for me or not. But I have to make that distinction.

I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, I guess. I would like to make a decision regardless of my parents' reaction to it. Is this wrong of me? I'm not that little good girl anymore. I'm a grown up according to society!

I can't make my parents happy all the time because it seems to me that when I'm happy, they're not and vice versa. I envy my fiance's relationship with his parents. He was not always the golden boy he is today. He used to go at it with his mother. He went to college when he was 16 and understandably he wanted to act like the rest of his his college classmates. But they were 18 and older. But today he is a well adjusted adult and he has a very honest relationship with his mother. She doesn't agree with everything that he does, but she lets him make his own choices.

Can I make my own choices? I make my own choices, they just don't know anything about it. Its like I'm living a double life. I feel like the teenage girl who has to sneak in and out of her house just to go to her best friend's unsupervised party.

I just needed to vent. I just want to grow up but still have the respect of my parents at every step. Is that asking for too much? Blah.

Here Comes the...What?

Conchita — Thu, 14 May 2009 23:29:13 GMT

I had the weirdest dream last night. My family, my fiance, and I were traveling on a Coach bus across the country. I have no idea where we were going but we rented out the whole bus. Several quickie marriages were being conducted on this bus, mine was one of them.

I was in the hotel getting ready for my wedding with my fiance right next to me. We were getting dressed together and I was pissed for a few reasons.

1) Neither my mom, my sister, or my bridesmaids were helping me get ready at all. It was my special day and no one was helping me.
2) Where was my makeup artist or my hair dresser? What was going on with my hair?

We finally got ready and I walked down the aisle first. Get this, I was waiting for my fiance to come to me. Does that even sound accurate? It was too weird.

Then I had a dream that we were in some cult for couples.

I have no idea what these dreams mean and I am a little scared to find out.

For the Love of Good Tofu

Conchita — Thu, 14 May 2009 09:56:49 GMT

For Mothers Day, my fiance and I took his mother to a Jamaican restaurant on her lunch break. I'm very familiar with Jamaican cuisine as it is very close to Haitian food. But that day, I fell in love all over again. The food was making love to my mouth. (Now who does that sound like?)

My mom-in-law ordered a vegetarian dish. I noticed on the menu that it said the meat used is not real, its tofu. When our food came, she got a call from her other son who also came to the hospital to see her. She stepped out for few minutes and my fiance ( I had nothing to do with it!) stole some of her "meat" to taste. He popped a piece in my mouth and I almost died. From pleasure. This tofu stuff was freaking amazing. It was perfectly seasoned and it just...omigosh...oh lawd...It was soo good.

We flagged down the waitress three times. First it was me; demanding that she tell me that it was really meat. Then my fiance, and then his mom after she tasted it. Next time I go, I'm ordering tofu. If I could get tofu to taste like that at home, I might turn vegetarian.

Side note: I was about to read Mn. Risley's post on Flinging in the Rain, when I read the sentence about fried tofu and the memory smacked me in the head. OK, back to Mn.'s post. This would be a perfect opportunity to send a link to her page, but I have no idea how to do that. Someone please tell me, please!

Can I Be Real With You?

Conchita — Wed, 13 May 2009 01:39:20 GMT

When I saw that ad in craiglist about being a relationship Blogger, I immediately jumped at the opportunity. Lets forget the fact that I am no expert on relationships. I've been in very few serious relationships. Translation: the one that I am currently in is the serious-iest relationship I have ever and only been in.

Anyways in my haste, of course I emailed all my close friends and family because I wanted them to vote for me and etc. Sometimes I regret that. Little did I know how much being on PNN would affect me. I had no idea that I was joining a whole family of people who are continually supporting each other despite our differences. I had no idea I would in the midst of some amazing women who can write like butter. Literally, their words drip off the page and I just soak it all up.

I didn't realize how therapeutic writing would be for me. Or how therapeutic reading other people's posts would be. Here is my dilemma, how can I truly allow myself to be as transparent as I want to be? I love my friends who read this and they are by no means judgemental, but I'm not the same person they used to know. I've grown up. I feel like I am in a box in their eyes, they know me the way I used to be... My parents don't really know who I am or what I love. I'm used to hiding myself so being on PNN makes me want to come out!

I remember in church there would always be time for testimonials, where people would say what happened in their life, regarding mistakes or whatnot. I was never that type of person, I am private and struggle in silence.

Maybe I have this way that I expect people to see me and I may be reluctant to change that. I'm not perfect but I am not ready to expose all of my faults. I admire all the women on here for being vulnerable and transparent and I hope to let go one day.

At the end of the day all that matters is how I feel when I look in the mirror. Because all of these flaws make me who I am today. And I must say, I am pretty damn happy with myself. For the first time I am truly happy with my life.

I love you guys!